Slut-shaming, the act of making
someone feel ashamed for specific sexual acts or behavior, is becoming one of
the most talked-about social issues of the Millennial generation. Its backlash is a
cultural phenomenon dedicated to giving humans the freedom to act as they
please, without the fear of being ostracized or criticized in a world obsessed
with judgment. And while I agree that we, as the young people responsible for
the future of society, should take it upon ourselves to undo as much of the
damage the media has caused as possible, there is an issue of discrimination
that I believe deserves just as much attention: single shaming.
I’m just like any other young
female college student. I pull all-nighters during finals week. I think too
much about what outfit I’m going to wear the next day. I go out on the weekends
more often than I probably should. I obsess over Instagram and worry about social
media. I have aspirations of traveling the world and settling into the perfect
career. And I dream about finding that one person who is perfect for me in
every way, a man who will support, encourage, and love me despite all of my
flaws and shortcomings and will bring me my favorite flowers (hint: tulips)
just because he wants to. However, I haven’t found Mr. Right just yet. And for the most part, romance isn't at the top of my priority list. I have important things to do, important places to go, and important people to meet.
But my nonchalance in the love
department is not a sentiment that is often shared or understood. In fact, I’ve been asked on
countless occasions “Don’t you hate being single?” And next to being asked if
blonde is my natural hair color (for the record, it is...), being grilled about my
relationship status is one of my most-hated annoyances. I’m tired of being
condemned for not obsessing over boys. I’m tired of being judged for going to
parties alone. I’m tired of being criticized for worrying about classes more
than I do about getting a date for Friday night. And I’m tired of my talents
and accomplishments being overshadowed by the fact that I’m single.
Because here’s the thing: a
person’s relationship status shouldn't define who they are. Aren’t a person’s
stories, experiences, and aspirations incredibly more interesting to discuss
than whether or not he or she has a significant other? I’m well aware that I’m
“not getting any younger.” But who
decided that being single was taboo? Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against
people in serious relationships. In fact, I applaud them for being selfless
enough and strong enough to devote their precious time and attention to another person. But it is incredibly easy to become discouraged
when you find yourself seeing one couple engaged on Monday and another couple
married on Friday. However, regardless of whether or not a person is single, why
does society put so much emphasis on having a relationship?
It frightens me that people are
legitimately confused by the fact that I want to be a writer and travel the
world instead of actively look for a man. Isn’t it scary that in an age of so
much personal freedom, we are still repressed by the idea that marriage is the
ultimate goal? Isn’t it sad that young people are so obsessed with having a
significant other that they will sacrifice every part of themselves for someone
else? Isn't it a crime that our culture is totally defined by who we romantically associate
ourselves with?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I’m approaching that point in life
where the first question a person asks after the expected “How are you?” is
“So…do you have anyone special in your life?” For what seems like an hour
(though realistically, it’s only for a split second), my brain debates whether
or not to tell the truth. If I say yes, they’ll ask questions. If I say no,
I’ll be gifted with a pitiful look, a pat on the shoulder, and the dreaded
“You’ll find someone eventually” or the even worse “Really? Well, I have the
perfect guy to set you up with!” Underneath the guise of sympathetic concern is
an immediate judgment that I am incapable of love and secretly crying out for
someone to help me.
I’m 20 years old for God’s sake. I’m
young. I’m curious. I’m adventurous. I’m ambitious. I’m self-sufficient. I’m independent.
And most importantly, I’m not the type of person who feels the need to validate
who I am. I’m not in a rush to do anything, most especially tie myself down.
And the truth of the matter is, it’s hurtful when others take it upon
themselves to try and “fix” me.
I don’t think it’s even occurred to
people that there might be a difference between being single and being lonely. I’m
not sure if people realize that by focusing on someone’s relationship status,
they are essentially erasing any potential that person might have had to do or
be something other than “the single friend.” There is no one right way to live; so why can’t
we be happy for our friends? Why can’t we appreciate the differences that make
our society so unique? Why don’t we encourage people to pursue
their passions instead of pressure them into misery?
I love who I am. I won’t apologize
for my choices. And when the time comes, I will be more than happy to devote myself
to another person and give them all of the love I have to offer. But in the
meantime, stop asking if I have a boyfriend. Stop assuming I’m crippled by my
lack of one. Stop offering solutions to my “problem.” Stop with the
single-shaming.
It’s okay to be single. It’s okay
to be in a relationship. It's okay to be anything you choose.
But I’m just happy to be.
"Don't be scared to walk alone. Don't be scared to like it"
-John Mayer